Mama <3

Today is the 10th December. The date 10th December 1998 is always in my mind, and it's a date I'll never forget.

I can't believe it's been 11 years already...where has the time gone? I get scared that as time goes on I will forget about her more and more. I feel like I can't talk about her, or what happened. I don't really like talking about it to other people because I know it makes them feel awkward. Plus I always think that since it's been 11 years now then people think I should be "over it".

I'll always remember that day, like it was yesterday. I was 9 years old and my mum had been diagnosed with bowel cancer in the August. I remember when my mum and dad sat me down and told me she was going to die. It completely broke my heart, and I never spoke about it to anyone. The next morning after my mum had told me, she found me crying in the bathroom and asked me what was wrong. I said something like "I'm scared you're not gonna be here for my 10th birthday" and she was like "well you never know...if we keep praying then maybe I will...maybe God will work a miracle so I can watch you grow up" I wonder what it must have felt like for her to have to say that to her child...

But she was so strong and brave. She never let it get her down. She celebrated her 40th birthday in the November with all her family and friends there. It was so happy, yet so sad because she was so sick.

Then 2 weeks later, on the 10th Dec my dad came into my bedroom and told me to come downstairs. It was a school day and I panicked because I thought he was gonna shout at me for sleeping in but I quickly glanced at the clock before I left my room and it was only about 7.20am...My dad took me into the dining room and sat me down. I could see through the glass doors into the living room (where my mums bed was) and I could see the curtains were still shut. That's when I knew. My dad started to talk but I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I just burst into tears and kept saying "no" over and over, really loudly to drown out what my dad was saying, as if saying it enough times would make it not be true? My dad then told me that my precious mummy had died in the middle of the night. I wanted to fucking break down.

I miss her so much. It's crazy because sometimes it STILL doesn't feel real. I still get mad and upset when I think about it. I always think WHY? Why did MY mum have to die? WHY was she taken from me when I was only a kid? WHY did she have to die when she had only just turned 40?? But if you keep asking "why" or "what if" then it would drive you crazy, right?

Ever since my mum died, life has been difficult for me. I sometimes feel as if someones out to get me and tried to make my life a living hell. But I have to deal with it and move on. Jump over every hurdle in life. When life gives you lemons...make lemonade. Kim once told me "Everyone in this world has dealt with some sort of hardships, it's how we choose to overcome them that creates a path." Well that's what I try to do. I try to find the best way to overcome things.

My life changed a lot after my mum died, and I honestly think if she was still alive today then I would be leading a very different life. So if you're reading this, and your mum is still around, then go up to her and tell her how much you love her. Please? Because I would do absolutely ANYTHING to see my mum again, even if it was just for a minute.