Falling Into Place

Why is it, that when I get myself to sit down and write out a list of things I would like to accomplish, I get stuck.

I always see people around me who are big dreamers. Their dreams are to graduate university, get a good job, become a singer/dancer/actor, get married, have kids, be successful and/or be happy. But what about the people who don't know what they want? I'm one of those people...When I was getting ready to leave school at 16, I never knew what I wanted to do.
Everyone said it was ok since I was still young and that one day it will all just "fall into place".

...But 4 years on and I'm 20 now and still in the same position. I attempted uni twice and dropped out both times because I didn't have the passion to learn. I left school too young and tried to grow up too fast. After High School I felt free and independent and got caught in a whirlwind of partying and drinking. Of course that soon took it's toll on my course work and is also one of the reasons I left uni.

But saying that, I wouldn't go back to school if I had the choice. I don't think college and university is for everyone, people can make decent livings without going into further education. However it does make things a lot harder.

I often find myself lacking passion and dedication. I wish I had a lot of it, and try to find ways to get myself feeling more inspired. But when inspiration comes to me, it leaves quickly. I used to be a very negative person. But I've been trying to better myself, which has worked to some extent, but I still seriously lack in positivity, confidence and self-esteem.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be happy, but I don't know anything else. I can't be happy if I just sit on my butt all day without a job. But at the same time I don't want to be stuck in a dead end job either. But how do I know what kind of job would make me happy if I don't even know what I want? I don't even know if I want to get married or have kids. I see far too many marriages break up, that I honestly don't see the point. As for kids, I also see many unfit parents that I'm scared I would be the same.

I know a lot of this stems back to issues from my childhood. But I haven't found ways to deal with the demons from my past yet. This is actually the first time I've properly written in a long time. I can't write much. I don't like letting out my feelings. I've also had my trust broken by writing my most personal thoughts into a diary, and have them read by someone who it was not intended for, who then went on to tell other people. That's one reason why I don't like writing. I know I need to find a way to express my feelings and opinions but just don't know how. I don't feel they are worthy enough to make a difference, and also worried about what people might say.

I would much rather listen to other peoples problems than deal with my own.

I agree that everyone should have goals that they should work towards in life. I think everyone should have something to dream about and believe in...but what if you just don't know what you want to accomplish in life? When is everything going to "fall into place"?