My 2 cents for the day...

I'm almost 21 years old. I'm not a kid anymore. I left school in June 2006.
I don't want to associate myself with drama, so when it decides to show its ugly face in my life I do all I can to stop fuelling the fire and to get rid of it.

Some people love High School drama...even though they left school a long time ago. Not me. I don't want to be one of those grown women who still scraps with people and bitches about so-called friends. I want to be the type of woman where I pride myself in being independent and know that friends are about quality and not quantity.

I would much rather have 1 friend who I could trust with my life instead of 10 friends who run around behind your back spreading shit about you.

I have absolutely no problem with the physical age difference in friends. You can be 18 and have great friends in their late 20s or 30s. No biggie. But you need to make sure you pick friends the same mental age as yourself. No point being 20 and hanging around with people who act 14 is there? It will never work. You gotta surround yourself with the right people.

Maturity is what it's all about. Some people can't differentiate between maturity and immaturity, so you need to ask yourself if they're worth your time. If they are not, don't lead them on. Just cut them loose and you will quickly see how fast they fall away from you.

"Sometimes you've gotta let go, just to see if there was anything worth holding on to". - Jessica Origliasso

The Thief of Many Lives

This blog is about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I've heard those words thrown around before and thought it just meant someone who is tired a lot of the time. But it was recently brought to my attention what it really is. A girl I know is scared she may suffer from it especially since her own mother has this disease too.

In the USA it is estimated every 4 in 1000 adults suffer from CFS, and in the UK roughly 250,000 adults suffer. CFS mainly affects adults in their 40s and 50s, affecting women more than men. Full recovery only happens in 5-10% of cases and many sufferers want the medical name changed as "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" does not convey how serious the illness is.

Please read the story below. It's a long one, but after reading it, it really touched my heart and I think we need to spread the word and raise awareness on this invisible disease that people can just brush off as a "state of mind". If you continue to read it all, then thank you :o)



The Thief of Many Lives

I am constantly on the prowl in search of new victims. I do not discriminate--health care workers, teachers, students, airline personnel, teens, and innocent children are my prey. If you are dynamic and have a lust for life, I will seek you out, and I will find you.

Just when you are at the peak of your endeavors, climbing that career ladder or building your family and home, I will find you. There is nothing that you have in your life today that I am not capable of destroying tomorrow, your career, your education, your goals, your dreams, your family, and your life. I will have it all. I will strip you of your ability to function at any level above minimal, and from this day on you will refer to that minimal as a "good day."

I have the ability to create an invalid out of you overnight, and I will. It will take a marathon effort for you just to get out of bed. At a cellular level your immune system will be in a constant war battling itself and unnamed viruses which will painfully be replicating in your brain. I promise you despair along with isolation and losses far beyond what you can ever imagine.

Your mind will be in a constant "fogged" state, your expression will be unable to express, and your eyes will have a noticeable "glazed over/drugged out" look. You will find it most difficult to pay attention, concentrate, or even process the simplest of thoughts. Making change from a dollar may well be beyond your ability now. Your mouth may feel like it is full of marbles when you try to speak, as your tongue twists and nothing you try to say comes out right. Who would believe your level of education when you can't even string enough words together to make a complete sentence ... or one that makes any sense.

I promise you, at any unsuspecting time, severe abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea along with a host of gastro-intestinal disorders. I will make you weak and lifeless as one could be without being confirmed dead. You will be house-bound or in bed for several years if not the rest of your life. As part of incapacitating you, I will make your heart race and your head pound; your throat will constantly be sore and your lymph glands will swell. That will all seem trivial after I inflame and spasm muscles throughout your body. Crushing a grape may take too much energy or be too painful now.

On those nights that I allow you to sleep, you will awaken drenched with sweat and throbbing with pain. Perhaps I might even throw in a little seizure activity. On those nights that I do not allow sleep to occur, I will torture you with thoughts of death.... Not suicide, but death. Simply because you have not come to realize that this is your new life, and that you are not living.

I have also done a few things that you may not be aware of yet. I placed some lesions on your brain (have you noticed how you have difficulty with balance and memory yet?) and have permanently turned your immune system on high. I have shorted out your nervous system so that you have intermittent numbness and tingling which might resemble an electrical current zapping you from time to time.

Now I have you, I have taken over your body and mind. I have stolen your life but left you alive, not very functional, but by clinical definition you are still alive.

Your family will not be able to give you all the constant care that you need on a daily basis. As for your friends, well, they're still on that ladder climbing up. I'll find them soon. By now you must have learned the definition of isolation, if for no other reason just so that you do not have to explain how you feel to others because they won't understand anyway. Isolation will save you all that energy.

Your health insurance has already been or will shortly be discontinued as you lost your job from not being able to "keep up." Perhaps you got caught dozing off or called in sick one too many times. Now that you are no longer employable or insurable when you seek medical care, any doctor who figures me out will diagnose you and say that what you have is presently not curable.

Now it is time for you to seek out medical care, nation-, if not world-wide. You will give more blood samples and have more examinations than you ever imagined existed. Then you can take the results to dozens of doctors in search of a diagnosis. One that is valid and accepted by the
medical community and insurance companies. One that does not label you as depressed or say that "it is all in your head!!!" Most doctors will suggest a vacation, weight loss diet, new or increased love life, help with the children, or change of scenery as the "cure," mainly because you look like the picture of health. This is my mask of deception.

You will pray for a positive word from current research. Research which you will soon learn is quite limited due to lack of funding and government support. You will learn new vocabulary which contains words like: T-Cells, Cytokines, Nuclear Antigens, Natural Killer Cells, Immunoglobulins, Cytomegalovirus, Seratonin, Cerebral lesions, and Immune Dysfunction are among a few. However the most important words that you will need to know and fight for the most are Social Security Disability and Medicare.

At one point I may give you a false sense of recovery or remission. let me assure you, I'll be back, as you are my prisoner and that makes me your keeper. I have placed the lives of millions of people nationwide in limbo. I would consider this an epidemic, wouldn't you?

Eventually I will bring the government, health care workers, and society to its knees in search of unraveling my complexities, which are crippling humanity. I leave it up to you, my victims, and your caretakers, to educate the public and let them know that I am very real and that you are very sick.

I AM CHRONIC FATIGUE AND IMMUNE DYSFUNCTION SYNDROME

This is how I'm currently feeling...

Dreams

I had a weird dream last night that has had me thinking all morning. Now, anyone who knows me will know I always have crazy, weird & random dreams. Another fact about my dreams that people tend to point out to me is how vivid they are, and how well I remember them.

I have spoken to quite a few people who swear they don't dream at all, or they forget their dreams as soon as they have properly woken up. It's the opposite for me. I always bore my friends to death with my dreams, and the adventures my mind takes me on when I'm sleeping.

Last night I was dreaming that I was in WHSmith, and I was at the till paying for something when I looked to my side and saw one of my old friends a few feet away from me. Her name is Natalie, we had been friends since we were about 2 years old but I haven't spoken to her in over a year now...Anyway, I kind of looked away from her because I didn't know if I should say hi or anything. Eventually she noticed me at the till and came over. She was smoking a cigarette. She was being over-friendly like "HI, HOW AREEEE YOOUUUU?" and had a kind of smirk on her face. She made me feel quite uneasy. Anyway, then I asked her what she was up to these days. She told me she would be graduating from university next week, which I thought was a bit odd since last I heard she wasn't at uni. Anyway, she was still kind of sneering at me and talking fakely and being too nice. Then all of a sudden she put her cigarette on my back and rubbed it in, burning me, and then she ran away. I put my hand on my back and felt the round-shaped burn mark that had gone right through my skin through my skin, which was extremely painful...

That's all I can remember from the dream... I often wonder what dreams mean, and of course, I wonder what this was meant too (if anything).

Now I tried searching "having a dream where a friend burns you with a cigarette" on Google, but that only brought up articles titled "It's Hard Smoking a Cigarette When You're Pete Burns" and "How To Repair Cigarette Burns In Carpets" ...not helpful, lol.

Anyway, after a bit of searching online, I found a dream dictionary that said this "If you are hurt, you will have enemies who will overcome you" ...which doesn't really help a lot. In fact, it kind of confuses me a bit more. What does it mean "enemies who will overcome you"? What does that mean? As in, they will "succeed" and you will "fail"? Because that doesn't sound too good :/

Another website said this > Injury - You are injured: You may have been offended or emotionally hurt. You inflict injury: Signal that you are doing same to another person.

Which I suppose could be true in that respect as I have been feeling emotionally hurt by one of my so-called friends recently...But I don't know. Why was it Natalie in my dream, and not any of my other friends?

I'll probably never know. Another dream, another unanswered question.

Is it ever possible to live in a drama-free world?

Is it ever possible to live in a drama-free world?

In some ways I think that without drama then life would be dull and boring. But in other ways I know how much problems drama can cause and I wish it would go away.

I try not to associate myself with negative people. I do not like being dragged into other peoples bullshit, so for that reason I am not friends with liars and attention seekers. There are some evil people out there. Manipulative people, conniving people, bitches, liars, cheaters etc etc. But I don't see why they don't see what they are doing wrong? Why do they insist on living a life that makes other peoples lives hell?

I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, and I know I never will be perfect because perfection doesn't exist. However, I always look for ways to better myself and help myself to become a better person. And for this reason, I cannot associate myself with people who enjoy bringing other people down.

I get hurt. People do hurt me. Emotions can be a bitch. I hate those days you have where you've have a big argument with someone, or someone has done something nasty to you, and the whole day you have a heavy heart and generally feel like shit. I live for the days where I'm not hurting. I love being happy and I enjoy it.

Certain things make me happy...for example...music, friends, having a structure to your day, seeing friends and family etc. So when some of your so-called friends turn around and stab you in the back, it fucking hurts. When they start being immature and pathetic you have to start wondering. When you start to see their immaturity as a common occurrence then you have to take a step back and re-assess the situation. Is this a good enough friend of yours that you will work through the problems, accept them for being the way they are. Or maybe they aren't worth your time because everything has to be dramatic to them.

I seriously can't stand drama. Actually fucking HATE it. I think I feel this way because growing up as a teenager I was constantly surrounded by drama in every day life thanks, in large part, to my parents. So now I strive to live in a drama free world.

I hate drama...nothing ever good comes from it. The only thing it produces it hurt, pain, anger, confusion and lots of many other negative emotions.

Is it ever possible to live in a drama-free world? Honestly...no, I don't think it is.

Christmas - A Time For Forgiveness

Christmas, for most people, is a time for family to get together and celebrate the holidays. It's the perfect time to let go of any grudges you hold against anyone, so you can start the New Year with a clean slate.
I spent most of 2009 not talking to a close family member. My stubborn ways meant I would rather do anything other than apologise or even talk to this person.
However, I knew this needed to change. I have forgiven and accepted this person back into my life, making family gatherings more bearable and less awkward. I have decided I need to quit acting stupid and stubborn, because family is really important and I know if anything had happened, and I hadn't reconciled with her then it would tear me apart inside.
It feels good to know that I can move on from this, and let go of this silly grudge. I can start the New Year feeling happy and refreshed, instead of dragging my problems with me.

"You owe it to yourself to not carry around this baggage of hurt feelings. It only hurts you worse in the long run. " - Kimberly Wyatt

Even though any time of the year is a good time for forgiveness and starting afresh, Christmas has that extra meaning. Christmas is about family. It means the end of the year, where you can leave your problems behind in 2009 and start 2010 on a positive note!

Mama <3

Today is the 10th December. The date 10th December 1998 is always in my mind, and it's a date I'll never forget.

I can't believe it's been 11 years already...where has the time gone? I get scared that as time goes on I will forget about her more and more. I feel like I can't talk about her, or what happened. I don't really like talking about it to other people because I know it makes them feel awkward. Plus I always think that since it's been 11 years now then people think I should be "over it".

I'll always remember that day, like it was yesterday. I was 9 years old and my mum had been diagnosed with bowel cancer in the August. I remember when my mum and dad sat me down and told me she was going to die. It completely broke my heart, and I never spoke about it to anyone. The next morning after my mum had told me, she found me crying in the bathroom and asked me what was wrong. I said something like "I'm scared you're not gonna be here for my 10th birthday" and she was like "well you never know...if we keep praying then maybe I will...maybe God will work a miracle so I can watch you grow up" I wonder what it must have felt like for her to have to say that to her child...

But she was so strong and brave. She never let it get her down. She celebrated her 40th birthday in the November with all her family and friends there. It was so happy, yet so sad because she was so sick.

Then 2 weeks later, on the 10th Dec my dad came into my bedroom and told me to come downstairs. It was a school day and I panicked because I thought he was gonna shout at me for sleeping in but I quickly glanced at the clock before I left my room and it was only about 7.20am...My dad took me into the dining room and sat me down. I could see through the glass doors into the living room (where my mums bed was) and I could see the curtains were still shut. That's when I knew. My dad started to talk but I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I just burst into tears and kept saying "no" over and over, really loudly to drown out what my dad was saying, as if saying it enough times would make it not be true? My dad then told me that my precious mummy had died in the middle of the night. I wanted to fucking break down.

I miss her so much. It's crazy because sometimes it STILL doesn't feel real. I still get mad and upset when I think about it. I always think WHY? Why did MY mum have to die? WHY was she taken from me when I was only a kid? WHY did she have to die when she had only just turned 40?? But if you keep asking "why" or "what if" then it would drive you crazy, right?

Ever since my mum died, life has been difficult for me. I sometimes feel as if someones out to get me and tried to make my life a living hell. But I have to deal with it and move on. Jump over every hurdle in life. When life gives you lemons...make lemonade. Kim once told me "Everyone in this world has dealt with some sort of hardships, it's how we choose to overcome them that creates a path." Well that's what I try to do. I try to find the best way to overcome things.

My life changed a lot after my mum died, and I honestly think if she was still alive today then I would be leading a very different life. So if you're reading this, and your mum is still around, then go up to her and tell her how much you love her. Please? Because I would do absolutely ANYTHING to see my mum again, even if it was just for a minute.